Jennifer Grey’s bangin’ body on Dirty Dancing. Ugh, she’s my new fitspiration.

been overly emotional these past couple of days. a lot of shit is happening with my family. i am mainly upset about my mother who just blew my trust completely over the weekend. i can’t even help her anymore. all my life, i’ve made excuses for her lousy ways but now i am just done. in just a few short years, i’m going to be 30 and i know i am responsible with my life… but when it comes to my mother and my relationship with her, i feel like i am still that little kid, always left alone at home and waiting for her to come around, clean up her act and come through as a responsible adult. and do something right by me. her daughter. but no.

i am so fucking pissed. despite all the stupid shit she’s done and didn’t do that messed up my life, i have forgiven her for everything. i have been a good daughter. i stuck by her when all anybody could do was say that she’s nothing but a screw up who will never grow up and that she cannot be trusted because she’s too selfish not to let anybody take the fall for her actions.

after all the shit that happened on friday, i’m going to have to draw a line too. no more.

you know what ticks me off the most? when a person can’t even acknowledge what they did wrong. like, good god, your screw up is as plain as day and yet you blame everyone but yourself when you get fucked? are you fucking kidding me?! for once, i’d like to hear my mother admit her mistakes but i probably never will.

after all the shit that happened with my mother on Friday, i had to go out on that same night to “celebrate” my husband’s birthday. i would have ruined his night if i didn’t go so i put on a face and went out to old town. i tried but i couldn’t even fake it. i was miserable and people could tell. i left my group and took a walk for as long as possible but my husband started to call and question where i was so i had to go back. and then i got drunk and confrontational with a friend of Bobby’s that i can’t stand which is SO unlike me. i’m hoping he was too drunk to remember anything i said. but god, it was a pretty bad night for me and i hate myself for going out when i didn’t want to. ugh.

for the next few months, i’m just going to stay home. focus on my kids. focus on my running.

my mother advised that i shouldn’t even admit to my arrest on my application for DACA because they wouldn’t find it since there was no conviction and it was more than 5 years ago and i was like… uh…………….. really? you really want me to take that chance? lol i love her her but she cray.

my brother-in-law, bless his teenage heart, is driving me to west covina tomorrow; to the police department and court house to see if i can get my hands on my records. if they’re even still there.

once i truly have everything i would submit in my application, THEN i will go to a lawyer and see what they have to say about moving forward even with having this damn arrest in my history.

on a much much brighter note, i got a job! i start on september 1st with a great salary. i really can’t complain!

now i have more stuff to figure out like who’s going to take my Sofi cat to and from school and watch her until i get off work. i also need a car since my husband is going to need ours to get to his new job in the OC.

you know, just last week, we didn’t know how the hell we were going to survive because we couldn’t even afford a 1 bedroom apartment to move to. then last monday, my husband got hired at a new place that pays just enough to get us by in a low cost 2 bedroom that would allow a family of 4.

things are beginning to fall into place…

ohdeargod, i probably shouldn’t get too excited until i’m actually working already though.

i was arrested in early 2007 and i have to drive to west covina tomorrow to pick up all my arrest records (fantastic, jancene, going to a police station without a driver’s license oh god) and court records. it was for public disturbance and domestic abuse and i spent a few hours in jail hanging out with a girl who tried to steal thousands of dollars worth of clothes from Marshall’s and a hippy type girl who was caught selling magic mushrooms and believed that “hair is alive”, whatever that means. i actually enjoyed that time and wouldn’t have minded staying to chat it up more with those girls- that’s how insane i was back then. anyway, i was in a god awful fight in public with my then boyfriend (now husband) in the middle of the freakin’ day and the police came. i was arrested because i was the one screaming bloody murder and my husband was covered in scratches from my being insanely violent and his inability to walk away from me.

it was during the end of the worst and darkest times of my life. i spent my days being high on drugs and on this particular day, i was coming down off of stuff that basically turns you into an evil monster.

it’s terrible to have to face again and i just feel all sorts of regret and remorse and shame.

it’s strange to look back on where i’ve been and who/what i was being who i am now.

now is all that matters. i am not that person. i am not that person.

the case was dropped and i was never convicted of anything and nothing like it ever happened again but i’m kind of worried this is pretty much going to screw me over… but more so feeling like total shit that all this is in my past.

ever since this whole deferred action thing came into light, no one has asked me if i actually wanted to do it. everyone pretty much just assumed that i will do it and that i should do it and all my family does is tell me how right it is for me because of all the benefits i’ll reap. but it never occurred to anybody to seriously ask me, “is this what you want to do?”. my family doesn’t fully understand what deferred action means, they think it’s as good as the dream act and i don’t have the heart to burst their bubble so i just let them be happy for me. the truth is, it ain’t that great and i haven’t decided yet if it’s really better than nothing.

ugh, i’m going to put all this worrying off for another day. today, i’m scarlett o'hara.

(totes not going to drive myself to the police station if i can help it though, going to work on finding somebody to take me)

Solara crawls now and always tries to climb stuff.

and fuuu, i just realized it’s the 15th and i can apply for deferred action now. i thought i had everything ready but i don’t. i have to gather more documents to support that i was here from 2008-2009 and early 2010.

i also won’t have the money to turn myself in to these people until the 20th.

I am in Love with this series- My Simple Figures by Anton Marrast. I will buy all of this!

Lots will be happening in the next few months. Deferred Action thing. Getting a place of our own. I’m looking forward to having my own kitchen and filling our space with art!

Summer Nights in Chinatown, 2012
more on my Flickr

I am so glad that Solara’s a great night sleeper (knocked out by 10, usually) and Sofi is old enough to stay in bed even though she takes after me and could take hours to fall asleep. She’s always whispering/talking to herself until she knocks out. I used to be like that, too.

Tonight is the first night since Bobby left that I don’t feel so weepy because he’s not around. After 10, I put the kids in bed and I was able to finally have my dinner. In peace! While I was doing all my end of the day cleaning, the quiet just felt so nice and I truly appreciated it. Man, ‘cause my days are just so damn hectic and I always feel like I need to catch my breath. Honestly, there are times when I just want to scream, run off somewhere and hide! I need meditation in my life. Or something. But anywho, I get through it. Now I’m going to kick back and enjoy a Newcastle or 2 and see if I can think of anything I might watch on Netflix or something before hitting the hay!

We started on that route years ago but the process requires me to go back to the Philippines and take it from there. I would have done it if I could have taken my daughter with me but my husband would also have to prove “hardship” and he can’t do it unless our kid was here. I just will not leave my kids for anything.

With deferred action (assuming I will be approved), we’re going to redo the petition process and I most likely will not have to leave the country.

I hope to be able to consult with a lawyer about it but it all comes down to the funds…

1 night, almost down.

just me and these 2 critter bugs for the next 2 weeks.

oh, god.

lol

My husband is currently at LAX waiting to board a plane to Atlanta. He will be there for a week and then from there, fly to Las Vegas for another week. He works for a large wholesale Accessories company and they’re over there doing their trade show or whatever. He will be back on the 24th.

Missing him so much already. We won’t get to be together for our 5 year wedding anniversary and he won’t get to be around for Sofi’s 1st day of Kindergarten.

The picture above is from last weekend when I had my mama watch our kids overnight so we could go on a private date to a AYCE (All You Can Eat, for all you non-fatties) Korean BBQ place in K-Town and ugh, I am seriously obsessed but anyway, it was nice that we at least got to spend some quality time together before his departure. We stayed up past 5am just hanging out that night and it was exhausting but totally worth it.

Solara Bar (nicknamed after my favorite vegan snack, the lara bar, lol) was sick all week. She started puking on Sunday night and would throw up EVERYTHING if she swallowed more than 4 ounces of milk. Eventually she refused to eat at all so then I freaked out and resorted to forcing her to at least take 2 ounces every hour so she wouldn’t get dehydrated. She was able to hold most of that down until we got her to a pediatrician on Wednesday who diagnosed her with a stomach flu and ordered for her not to have anything with lactose for 7 days. She’s on Similac Sensitive for now but her poop is still abnormal and she can’t drink more than 4-5 oz. every 3-4 hours when she usually devours fruits/veggies + 6 oz. of formula at every feeding.

She isn’t isn’t fussy/inconsolable anymore and is back to her playful and curious ways- exploring the house and dragging herself around because she hasn’t quite figured out how to crawl yet. I just hope we can soon get back to the way she was eating before she got sick. I’d feel tons better.

I took this picture of her today. She’s obsessed with my camera’s strap.

i’m feeling victorious today because i ran my first 2 miles post-partum. i’ve run/walked more than that before but today was the first day i didn’t have to take a walk break. it was SO awesome! ah!

i wanted a mile to be easy for me before starting to do more and i don’t go to the gym every single day so my progress has been slow but i’m getting there.

i’m working up to 5k 4 days a week and 1 day where i do 5+ miles.

Bobby installed CyberLink PowerDirector on my computer so now I can make home videos. It’s pretty awesome so far and I like how I can upload to Youtube or Facebook straight from the program.

I think I’m going to start recording little clips here and there and at the end of each month or something, put together a little collage video. Mostly of the kids. I made slideshows and videos of Sofi when she was a baby and I got a few of them on Youtube and it’s amazing to watch them after some years. They make me realize over again, more than ever, just how fast it all goes by =/